Ladies and gentlemen, did you honestly think I’d let you down by forgetting to release a new excerpt for my eager followers to voraciously read?! HA! Think again! It’s #SexyTime Friday, so get lubed up for another episode of the romantic adventures of The Brown Knight. And as always, please use coconut oil in moderation.

Please spread the word about http://www.51shadesofbrown to everyone you know! Click on “FOLLOW” at the very bottom, share the site on Facebook, and retweet the link on Twitter. And have you ever wanted to follow an award-winning author on Twitter?! Well you CAN by following @drpablopistola — he might even give you a follow-back, bae!

51 Shades of Brown, (BONUS) Excerpt #35 [Chapter 137] 

Kanupriyakalpanakanishkakalayani could barely contain her bubbling eager anticipation as she walked through the Bangalore city center under the light of the swollen silver moon. She maneuvered through this South Indian metropolis with purpose and conviction. The desperate woman had been given precise instructions on the only way this enticing encounter could achieve consummation, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to blow this chance of a lifetime by being late, which of course her Indian genetics predisposed her to doing. She had never been on time for any event in her life, just like every other Indian in recorded history. Kanupriyakalpanakanishkakalayani needed to overcome her impulse to remain tardy like a typical Indian. It took every ounce of energy to avoid this natural inclination.

“I must get to the Royal Hotel of  Bangalore or else I will spend the rest of my life regretting the missed opportunity,” she said to herself “but Oh-My-God, those purses in that store are on sale and they would totally look cute with my sari outfit. Maybe I can stop by and browse their handbag selection for a few min—Kanupriyakalpanakanishkakalayan, are you crazy?! FOCUS!”

Onlookers in the street witnessed the woman’s torment as her ovaries were commanding her to continue towards the hotel, while her Indian DNA was drawing her towards distractions. Passers-by assumed she had schizophrenia due to her loud argument with herself.  But in her heart of hearts, she knew she needed to regain control of her own mind and body if she ever wanted to experience the pleasure of a climax.

“GET TO THE HOTEL, KANUPRIYAKALPANAKANISHKAKALAYAN!!! GO! RUN!!!” she shrieked.

In an instant, she sprinted around the corner and finally arrived at the hotel lobby at the prearranged time of 10pm.

Just hours earlier, she had been browsing her Twitter feed for the latest updates on BJP politics and kama sutra techniques, when her notifications serendipitously alerted her to a message from the twitter handle “@brownknight69” with the simple but direct query “Are you yearning for something more, @kanupriyakalpanakanishkakalayani?” A few minutes of playful banter ensued, and shortly thereafter, she found herself the recipient of a direct message with a provocative invitation to a clandestine rendezvous at a local posh hotel.

And so here she was, in the Royal Hotel of Bangalore lobby, yearning for the gentle touch of Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram.

Per his explicit instructions, which included the color of her undergarments which he required, she went to the lobby desk and asked for his code name.

“I’m here to see Mr. Brown. Christian Brown.” whispered Kanupriyakalpanakanishkakalayani. The hotel receptionist promptly used a secret telephone line and informed the respondent “Your applicant has arrived.”

“Applicant?!” she wondered. “What could be the meaning of this?!”

Within a few moments, the Brown Knight’s personal butler approached her in the lobby and handed over a clipboard with papers and a pen.

“What’s this?” asked the puzzled Kanupriyakalpanakanishkakalayani.

“It’s your contract.” replied the stately Brown Butler.

“Contract? Contract for what?” she said.

“If you want to gain access to the Brown Knight’s hotel playroom, you’ll need to fill out the necessary paperwork. Please, Ma’am, have a seat” uttered Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram’s underling.

She nervously thumbed the through the thick packet while feverishly writing her answers to questions about her past medical history, allergies, bedroom preferences, and family tree. Kanupriyakalpanakanishkakalayani had to pause on several occasions due to her quivering fingers, as well as the coconut oil smudges obscuring the printed words. The incisive queries probed the depths of her mind, thereby giving the Brown Knight a window to her soul.

Do you prefer to eat mangos with a spoon?  Or do you like get down and dirty and bury your filthy face into the juicy pulp?

What is your favorite position….for sitting? Indian style on a wicker floor mat? Or legs tightly crossed on a wooden stool?

Do you know how to make round rotis?

Does the applicant consent to sensory manipulation, with sensory deprivation (by blindfolding) coupled with sensory stimulation (with hot coconut oil dripping on your skin, and the potent aroma from various curries penetrating your nostrils)?

On and on and on went the questions. He clearly wanted total control of her, and she so desperately wanted to give him what he desired.

When she at last completed the application, she summoned the patiently waiting butler. He then immediately disappeared from the lobby with the documents, leaving behind the hot and bothered Kanupriyakalpanakanishkakalayani for what seemed like an eternity.

But eventually the butler returned, and muttered “Mr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram will see you now.”

Oh, joy! Her credentials obviously passed muster despite his high standards for women!

The butler guided her into the elevator and directed her towards the Brown Knight’s penthouse hotel suite. He indicated which room to approach before peeling off to his butler quarters.

Kanupriyakalpanakanishkakalayani knocked her trembling clenched fist against the portal thrice, and gasped as she heard the hotel lock unlatch. The door creaked open, revealing the Brown Knight wearing only an untied leopard pattern silk robe and holding a glass of Courvoisier liqueur which he had been sipping as a night cap.

His exquisite hairy body, which maintained the perfect coating of coconut oil even at this late hour of the night, glistened and reflected her own image with the clarity of a polished mirror. She unabashedly stared at his most tempting protrusion before her, which appeared to grow larger and larger before her very eyes – his glorious oily mustache was more massive than she ever could have imagined.

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram smiled as she inspected every inch of his exposed body before whispering “Curious? Let’s put the ‘BANG’ in ‘Bangalore, sweet thang.”

Kanupriyakalpanakanishkakalayani devilishly grinned, bit her lower lip, and then entered into the playroom in search of boundless pleasure, as Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram closed the door behind her…

Scroll down to read all 34 archived excerpts (scroll ALL the way down to start your journey at excerpt #1)! You can read more about Dr. Pablo Pistola, the author [@drpablopistola on Twitter), by clicking on the following link: https://51shadesofbrown.wordpress.com/about/

The Brown Knight sprayed his coconut oil on women internationally over the past few weeks. Many of these women were quite powerful, indeed. But Mother India is Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram’s homeland, where he returns to plant his seeds. It’s Friday night, and the mood is right. #SexyTime. As always, please use coconut oil in moderation.

This is how we doooooo iiiiiiiiiiiit!

Please don’t forget to read all 33 excerpts by scrolling down! “FOLLOW” this site all the way at the bottom for updates about new excerpt releases. Follow the author on Twitter (@drpablopistola). And tell your grandmothers about http://www.51shadesofbrown.com!

51 Shades of Brown, (BONUS) Excerpt #34 [Chapter 134] 

Saraswatisarojashubhashinisushmasharada slowly aroused in a stupor with ringing ears and blurry vision. Is this what shell-shock feels like?

She had never before experienced panic like this.

However, a comforting silhouette surrounded by a radiant halo stood above her as she laid flat on the smoldering New Delhi avenue asphalt. Although the figure remained indistinct, warmth filled her heart as she picked up the scent of curry, while a droplet of coconut oil from his thick, bushy mustache cascaded downward and splattered on the bridge of her nose.

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram. It was him. Her hero.

And immediately, all at once, memories flooded back into her mind about how she found herself in this compromising position.

                                         ●   ●   ●   ●   ●

 

Saraswatisarojashubhashinisushmasharada couldn’t believe how fortunate she was to be hand-picked by the Brown Knight. She had been a mere speck in the crowds of people lining the streets as Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram sat on his convertible automobile waving to his adoring followers. It seemed as though the entire population of the great nation of India had been present to witness his homecoming “Motorcade For The Mustache” parade in honour of his triumphant return from his well-publicized international tour. Yet somehow, he spotted her amongst the throngs of devotees and pointed her out to one of his many minions, who dutifully retrieved her with his invitation to join him.

So here she found herself preparing to be seated at a table for two on a Delhi sidewalk café on a most improbable chai date with the sexiest, oiliest man alive.

After once again glancing at his custom-made wrist watch, he commanded her to sit facing him.

Maybe he wants to stare into my eyes? Maybe he valiantly desires to offer me shade from the canopy to protect me from the boiling Indian sun? Maybe he wants me to remain down-wind from him so that I can continue to enjoy his aroma of Indian spices and coconut oil?!

 After he poured piping-hot chai from the kettle into both of their cups, he nebulously whispered “Saraswatisarojashubhashinisushmasharada Beta, I shall give you the attention that you so very much deserve and crave, but first I must complete my mission.”

“His mission?!” she wondered to herself. Now the circumstances began to crystallize in her mind. The Brown Knight had insisted on drinking chai at this precise time, at this precise location, with this precise seating arrangement.

A beeping sound projected from his special watch, which immediately prompted the Brown Knight, who was currently wearing aviator cooling glasses, a leather jacket, and tight-ass jeans, to survey the surroundings. In an instant, a shadowy character approached from the crowds of passers-by and faced the table. He looked right at Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram and said “How do you do, Sir?” to which The Brown Knight replied “The coconut oil drips at midnight.” The operative immediately produced a manila folder from his trench coat, dropped the top-secret documents on the table before the Brown Knight, and then disappeared into the crowd just as mysteriously as he had appeared.

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, remaining as cool as a cucumber per usual, thumbed through the confidential papers and photographs while nodding Indian-style, by swaying his head from side-to-side. Saraswatisarojashubhashinisushmasharada felt gratitude for witnessing this special encounter. She couldn’t imagine being anywhere else on earth right n–

[DISHOOM!]

What was that?! Were those firecrackers?!

[DISHOOM! DISHOOM!]

Was she so nervous in her hero’s presence that she was unwittingly releasing powerful, explosive farts?!! Was her irritable bowel syndrome flaring up again at the most inopportune time?!!

[DISHOOM! DISHOOM! DISHOOM-DISHOOM-DISHOOM!]

The porcelain chai cup she was about to sip from shattered into a million fragments in front of her pursed rosy-red lips as a bullet pierced it.

They had come under attack!

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram instinctively collected the contents of the manila folder, dropped a generous tip of 1000 rupees on the table while smiling at the sultry waitress, forcefully grabbed the hand of Saraswatisarojashubhashinisushmasharada, and guided her as they together sprinted down the sidewalk under a hail of gunfire.

Despite the spray of bullets ricocheting off the sidewalk cement, the Brown Knight suddenly stopped at a table where two voluptuous Indian women were seated and intensely playing chess. He strategically moved the knight chess piece, whispered “Checkmate” to the smitten giggling damsels, and then seamlessly continued to run at full speed with Saraswatisarojashubhashinisushmasharada trying her best to keep up with him.

[To read more about the Brown Knight’s mastery of chess, please read excerpt #30 which was set in France by scrolling down, or by clicking on the following direct link: https://51shadesofbrown.wordpress.com/2015/04/18/so-my-post-is-a-little-later-than-usual-but-its-still-sexytime-friday-please-follow-this-site-by-entering-your-email-address-all-the-way-at-the-bottom-of-this-page-and-follow-dr-pablo-pistola-on/ ]

As they navigated to the middle of the street, loud explosions rocked the area as the assailants began to lob grenades at the imperiled couple. The Brown Knight responded by reaching into his leather jacket, procuring several jars of emergency coconut oil which he lit on fire with matches using 1000 rupee bills as wicks, and hurling the fiery projectiles towards the villains. The makeshift coconut oil Molotov cocktails detonated with a fury.

He had hoped this maneuver would offer sufficient cover fire for the two of them to cross the street. But one late-arriving grenade exploded on the laurie right next to them, sending the truck careening out of control in their direction while the driver slammed on the brakes.

The giant, ornately-decorated laurie screeched to a frightening halt only a few centimeters away from their feet. Alas, a coconut flew out from the payload cargo of the truck and landed directly on the delicate head of Saraswatisarojashubhashinisushmasharada, knocking her unconscious.

                                       ●   ●   ●   ●   ●

 

While her stupor from the impact wore off, Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram reached down to pick up Saraswatisarojashubhashinisushmasharada in his powerful arms and carry her to a nearby autorickshaw.

Once they were in the vehicle, he issued a terse “Step on it!” command to the driver. Loud shots resumed and grazed the metal framework of the flimsy autorickshaw as it attempted to speed away in the smothering Delhi traffic. The thrilling high-speed chase was as fast as 5 kilometers per hour while the adversaries chased behind them on foot.

Sensing that the ridiculous traffic in India, which makes any visitor reassess his will to live, would spell their certain doom, the Brown Knight reached into his leather jacket pocket, pulled out stacks of thousand rupee bills, and tossed them in the air, thereby making it rain on the busy expressway. Thousands of desperate Indians swarmed the vicinity to grab the floating currency.

He turned to her and whispered with a smirk “Rupee, rupee bills, yo. Don’t leave home without them.”

What swag. What mojo. This Mysterious Moustached Man exuded raw sexuality. Saraswatisarojashubhashinisushmasharada sighed in ecstasy.

But this was no time to get horny!

The flocks of Indians wrestling over the Brown Knight’s generous charity provided the requisite diversion for the two of them to exit the autorickshaw, run across the street, and make their way down the slope onto the riverbank. They quickly boarded a pirated speedboat, and the Brown Knight revved the engine to send their vessel bolting down the river.

Finally, she had him to herself. She at last had her chance to show him that she was determined to shed her “good little Indian girl” image that had been artificially curated by her oppressive parents for decades. She wanted him to rock her world. She couldn’t wait to—

[DISHOOM! DISHOOM! DISHOOM-DISHOOM-DISHOOM!]

A speedboat with two more enemies chased behind them and was rapidly gaining on their ship. Once the boats were close enough. the passenger on the nemesis speedboat brazenly jumped onto their boat. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram ordered Saraswatisarojashubhashinisushmasharada to hold the steering wheel as he darted to the back to face his adversary. As they stood in front of each other, arms cocked and poised for violent melee, the Brown Knight whispered “You look kind of goofy…like you’re…fresh off the boat…” The bewildered villain was caught off-guard, which allowed the Brown Knight to deliver one crushing punch to the face that sent the bad guy falling backwards off the boat.

Once Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram regained control of the speedboat, he forced the other speedboat on a collision course with an area of Indian boat traffic, which caused the captain of that boat to helplessly jump off before it exploded.

The Brown Knight, now in the clear, casually turned towards Saraswatisarojashubhashinisushmasharada and said “Care for a bite to eat?” She swiftly nodded. Of course she was hungry! All she could do around him was think about Indian food because of his potent smell of curry emanating from his thick body hair!

He docked the pirated speedboat, helped her disembark from the vessel, and guided her up the moistening brown fertile river bank to the adjacent road. There, they found a plethora of Indian street-side stands. They walked up to the pani puri cart to place their order.

The thunderstruck vendor stammered in the presence of an international celebrity.

While devilishly grinning at Saraswatisarojashubhashinisushmasharada, the Brown Knight confidently whispered “My name is Sheshadariprativadibayankaram — Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram. And I’ll have my pani puri water shaken, not stirred.”

 

                               ●   ●   ●   ●   ●

 

Every generation of women requires a sexual touchstone. A hero. Enter Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram. A hero rises…

You can follow Dr. Pablo Pistola [the award-winning author] on Twitter [@drpablopistola] and read more about his exciting background by clicking on the following link: https://51shadesofbrown.wordpress.com/about/

Scroll ALL THE WAY DOWN to read about the Brown Knight’s romance adventures from the very beginning with excerpt #1!

So this excerpt release is a bit late, but I was at a happy hour yada yada yada…But it *IS* #SexyTime. Don’t forget to FOLLOW this site (scroll down to the very bottom of this page). Even the most powerful women lust over an Indian man…

Yes, I knew that once this site became popular, alas, I would be hunted. After excerpt #27, Bieber came after me. Two weeks ago after I released excerpt #31, the British authorities attacked me. And just this past week, the Secret Service had the audacity to call my *PERSONAL* cell phone to pressure me to delete excerpt #32. For the first time ever, though, I preemptively received threats from the most powerful woman on the planet because of tonight’s excerpt. But I stood tall. This is my gift to you.

Did you know that DEEZ coconuts are the world’s most potent aphrodisiac?!

But, as always….please, PLEASE use coconut oil in moderation…

51 Shades of Brown, (BONUS) Excerpt #33 [Chapter 130] 

Watching him simply sit in a chair sparked a fire in her loins. The way he crossed his legs, uncrossed them, and then crossed them again. She found herself analyzing every ripple and contour of his pants. It was too much.

In the past, the guests on her program had included international leaders and celebrities, but nobody compared to her current specimen. Nobody. This was the most prestigious interview she had ever secured. A ravenous live-studio audience and international broadcast viewership anticipated this very moment.

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, fresh off a recent visit to the White House on his whirlwind tour of the United States of America, had agreed to sit down with her to quench the world’s thirst for more secrets about his mystique.

When the producer indicated that the program was about to go live, she couldn’t help but feel unprofessional in the moment. Never in her illustrious career had she ever lusted over an interview subject — until now. At the moment the cameras began to record, she was undressing him with her eyes.

As she introduced the Brown Knight to her galvanized audience, the Brown Knight began to ask her questions.

“Do you feel as comfortable in your skin as you appear to me?” asked Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram.

His incisive question caught her off-guard but cut right to the heart of her essence. Thoughts raced through her mind. Was she truly happy? Did he realize that it has taken years for me to embrace my femininity after battling weight problems? Is he checking me out right now?

“Yes…Somehow you make me feel so….so…confident” responded Oprah Winfrey.

“Do you feel….satisfied… in your current station?” inquired the Brown Knight.

Oprah stammered in response to this brilliant question. How the hell does he know that I haven’t been touched down there in years? Was he asking if Stedman had been satisfying my needs as a woman?

Yes, Stedman has a decent mustache, but could I ever look at his mustache the same after seeing the enormous girth of Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram’s whiskers? The Brown Knight’s mustache was so much more thicker….and…fuller…..I’ve been begging Stedman for years to lubricate his mustache with coconut oil, only to have my requests rebuked! My goodness, how I want to let my fingers glide through the coconut-oil soaked mustache of an Indian man!

How can the Brown Knight so easily ascertain my frailties in an instant and manipulate them to his advantage?! How can the interviewer so quickly become the interviewee?!!

“Yes….I’m satis—I mean, no…..well…” stuttered Oprah.

She paused. Oprah interpreted this inquiry as a gesture of his interest in her body. She felt as though her female organs could be finally uncaged after so many years. Oprah’s euphoria consumed her. Does he love me?! Does he want to make brown babies with me?! Will he show me the way?!!

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, sensing the distracted host’s wandering mind, leaned forward towards Oprah Winfrey and asked “Why don’t you tell the female audience about my gift for them?”

Oprah followed his command, stood up, and yelled at her devoted followers “Y’all, look under your seats! See that jar under your seats?! You get coconut oil! *YOU* get coconut oil!!! EVERYBODY GETS COCONUT OIL!!!”

The sexually deprived-audience erupted in unbridled bliss.

Oprah continued “And…. at our administrative office down the hall, each of you ladies can get your voucher for an UNLIMITED LIFETIME SUPPLY OF COCONUT OOOOOOOOOOILLLLLLLLLL!!!!”

The soccer moms sprung up from their seats and immediately began to stampede towards the office to redeem their vouchers in a tidal wave of estrogen.

As the slowest housewife exited the studio, Oprah Winfrey realized that only two warm bodies remained in the cavernous chamber. And her hope that the Brown Knight would capitalize on this opportunity appeared to come true, as Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram walked towards her on the stage and whispered  “Are you down with the brown?”

Oprah’s heart melted…

Don’t forget to scroll down to read all 32 other excerpts below, FOLLOW this site for updates (at the very bottom of this page), and follow Dr. Pablo Pistola [the award-winning author] on Twitter [@drpablopistola]. You can read more about him at the following link: https://51shadesofbrown.wordpress.com/about/

The Brown Knight’s romance adventures have taken him to Spain, France & the United Kingdom over the last few weeks. Now where will he go?! Read my latest excerpt below to find out. And to read all 31 earlier excerpts, please scroll down. Don’t forget to FOLLOW this site (all the way at the bottom of the page) and follow Dr Pablo Pistola (@drpablopistola) on Twitter. Spread the word! And as always, please use coconut oil in moderation…

 

I’ve told all of my readers this before, but as this site becomes increasingly popular, I become a target. A few weeks ago, Justin Bieber came after me (about excerpt #27). And after last week’s excerpt, the British embassy had the audacity to call me on my *PERSONAL* cell phone number in order to influence me to take down excerpt #31. Of course I stood tall against Justin Bieber and I stood tall against the British authorities. I’m prepared to ruffle the feathers of some very powerful people with my newest excerpt (#32) below:

51 Shades of Brown, (BONUS) Excerpt #32 [Chapter 128]

Where could he have gone? Did he already leave?!

Dread overwhelmed her mind. She sprinted through multiple corridors, desperately peeking in each room to spot him. But he was nowhere to be found.

She felt as though this were a nightmare. She had so much left to say to him. So much left to learn from him. And in what seemed like an instant, her hopes were dashed. Tears began to swell in her eyes.

At that moment, however, she realized that the tears were not evoked by her wild emotions, but instead by the aroma of freshly diced onions. She picked up her pace and followed the smell as it became stronger and stronger. Soon she smelled red chili peppers, then turmeric, and as the fragrance became even more potent, she smelled garam masala. Her mouth watered. The wafts of curry led her to the end of the hall.

She stood before the door to the Oval Office which had been left ajar, and she carefully pushed the entryway open a sliver more to look inside.

Suddenly into view came Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram in the midst of very intense conversation with the President of the United States of America.

She couldn’t quite decipher the exact nature of the conversation other than hearing phrases such as “coconut oil gap,” “coconut oil reserves,” and “coconut oil as a powerful commodity” – but the power dynamic was evident here in the White House. The Brown Knight clearly had the President’s ears. Obama deferentially nodded as Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram continued to offer his advice. Sure, Obama was the “Leader of the Free World,” but the Brown Knight was the leader of the entire world. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram’s confidence was palpable.

She was honored to have Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram as the keynote speaker at her presidential campaign fundraiser gala event earlier this evening on the Rose Garden. But Hillary Rodham Clinton wanted more from this Indian hero. Much more.

Hillary Rodham Clinton had not felt such potent lust since her days back in Arkansas. Her nether regions had remained dormant for decades, but lately she had grown weary of her husband’s roaming eyes. She wanted to be the focus of a man’s attention for once. She had earned it, goddammit! She had played second fiddle to her husband long enough. Soon this entire building would be under her command! Hillary started to maniacally cackle but then muffled her voice as she did not dare disturb this voyeuristic delight.

Suddenly she noticed Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram and President Obama look upward in unison. Had she been discovered as a peeping Tom?!

Nay, it was just Vice President Joe Biden, who burst into the room via a secret side entryway, recited a dirty joke, and then laughed hysterically at his own comedy routine.

President Obama apologetically closed the secret passage as the giggling Joe Biden exited through the same portal.

President Obama shook his head and seamlessly carried on his sober dialog with the Brown Knight.

As Hillary Rodham Clinton continued to spy on the conversation, thoughts raced through her mind. My God, what would I give to cradle Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram’s head in my lap against my bosom, gently rocking him to and fro as I run my fingers through his hair and soak in the coconut oil?!

What would I give to stroke his thick, lustrous mustache which had been coated with coconut oil from the White House pantry?! Why does only Bill get to taste the forbidden fruits of infidelity?! My goodness, if I invited him with subtle innuendo, would the Brown Knight take me to the same room where Bill took Monica Lewinsky?! There, would he rip off my pantsuit and have his way with my body?! Oh, I can’t wait for you to taste my sweet revenge, Bill! I even packed a cigar!

You lowered your standards to hook up with a mere White House intern; I’m going to make sweet, sweet love to THE global power broker with unparalleled political clout! Take THAT Bill! Tell me how my ass taste, Bill! Tonight I’m gonna fu—

“Oh, pardon me, Madame” said Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram as he surprised the daydreaming Hillary Rodham Clinton by exiting the Oval Office. “I serve at the pleasure of the President. It won’t be long before I serve at your pleasure, Hillary.”

Everything this evening thus far was unfolding just as Hillary Rodham Clinton had planned, and she intended to finish the night off with a bang…

Please FOLLOW this site (scroll ALL the way down), read all 31 prior excerpts below, and follow the author on Twitter (@drpablopistola). To read more about the author’s background, click on the following link: https://51shadesofbrown.wordpress.com/about/

My lawyers tried to throw their bodies in front of me releasing tonight’s excerpt, claiming that the person involved in the tale was “powerful beyond measure” — but I stood tall against fear. I continue to bring you the unfettered story of the Brown Knight and his adventures in romance. Coconut oil has given me strength. And, as always, please PLEASE use coconut oil in moderation. Its #SexyTime Friday. Enjoy.

Tell everyone about http://www.51shadesofbrown.com!

My lawyers are understandably skittish after the recent fiasco with Justin Bieber based on his involvement in excerpt #27 (to read about how that little punk threatened me and tried to strongarm me into deleting the excerpt, please scroll down to read the introductions to the excerpts over the last few weeks).

By the way, it helps to read the excerpt below in a British accent. Carry on!

51 Shades of Brown, (BONUS) Excerpt #31 [Chapter 125]

Mmm, how could this Indian man arouse her so? 

His mere presence had stoked embers of smoldering passion within her cauldron of desire below her belt.

The entire population of the United Kingdom of Great Britain & Northern Island had eagerly anticipated this historic visit by the international celebrity. 

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram was a veritable living legend. 

The Brown Knight presented himself clad in a neatly-pressed custom-tailored three-piece designer Italian suit. Yet despite the layers of his outfit, she found herself zoning out while staring at the bulge under his pants extending from his crotch to his upper thigh, surely indicating the contour of his todger.

“My goodness, I would fancy an even closer inspection of his trousers to confirm my curious suspicion that he is currently hanging to the left, mind you!” she thought to herself. 

She could no longer deny that she had been craving the touch of a man since her body had been left to lay fallow for decades. Her husband couldn’t be bothered to notice her subtle overtures anymore; he barely even touched her. What absolute rubbish! 

She wanted somebody who didn’t look right through her as though she weren’t there. Somebody who would whisper sweet nothings into her ear with warm breath exuding the aroma of Indian spices with a touch of cilantro and garlic. She wanted somebody who would care enough to ask her about her day. 

She craved intimate contact. A kiss to the nape of her neck. A stroke of her mammary glands. A controlling tug of her hair. A gentle bit of how’s your father. Her post-menopausal body offered the opportunity for limitless, guilt-free casual intercourse. But she felt ignored and abandoned.

Now was her chance to regain control of her sexual destiny. 

She made the decision to grab the helm and steer her body towards a long overdue, seismic climax sure to register tremors with an intensity of 7.2 on the Richter earthquake scale throughout the entire British Isle, her mother homeland.

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram knelt before her as she stood in front of royalty, Members of Parliament and the Monty Python cast, Lords, Elton John, Dukes, the Spice Girls, and the British press corp, all within the lavishly decorated Royal Ceremony Quarters within Buckingham Palace.

He had earned prior accolades of chivalry, including Member of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire (MBE), Officer of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire (OBE), then Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire (CBE). But now, the occasion of his knighthood was upon the world!

Amid the pageantry of the proceedings, all while the cameras flashed and the television crews broadcast the event live to an international audience, her thoughts became paradoxically elemental. Carnal. Primal. All she could think about was how hot it was to have a man of his stature in such a submissive position.

Thoughts echoed through her mind.  Would he offer me the delight of nibbling on my English muffin while he is down there on his knees? Would he be receptive to some of ye ol’ slap and tickle?

The Queen felt compelled to sheepishly break the ice by chuckling “I shall put the ‘Knight’ in ‘Brown Knight’, shan’t I?“

Oh dear, was that an awkward joke?! Oh, bollocks! Have I ruined my chance to bed him?!!

Her buoyant mood teetered on the precipice of despair. But Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram sensed her wavering confidence, and he offered her a beaming smile to immediately calm her paranoia. She was amazed by the potency of his intangible je ne sais qua to the point of feeling gobsmacked.

She thought “Well, bugger me sideways, that was rather unexpected! What gentleman! What a jolly good bloke! What a hunk of meat! Perhaps he is sending me a signal that he wants to make sweet, sweet love to me?!!“

She wondered if an Indian guy like him and a proper English lady like herself could…could…could roll like thunder under the covers. 

Does he realize that chicken tikka masala has British origins? Could the two of them similarly become a splendid blend of England and India? 

Would he find my preparation by using the Royal Bidet to be delightful?

Oh to be back in Colonial times when I simply could command him to lift up my dress to see the lacy Royal undergarments that I wore specifically to curry his favor! 

She could feel droplets racing down her Royal inner thigh. Was it perspiration? Or something else altogether?! 

She told herself, “Now Elizabeth, hold yourself together! Heavy is the head that wears the crown, but rise above your sultry obsessions and carry yourself with a bit of bloody dignity! But, oh me oh my, that glistening mustache of his, perfectly coated with a thick coconut oil sheen, is almost …hypnotic...Why, it makes me so…..so….so randy!””

Her body, mind and palate had reached dizzying heights of arousal, with a loss of equilibrium that almost made her fall arse over tit. 

Would he be delighted to know that I commanded the Queen’s Guard make arrangements for me to give him a private tour of the Royal Master Bedroom? 

Would I get a peek at his legendary brown twig and berries before finally enjoying rumpy-pumpy? Just the two of us in the quarters. What untold pleasures await me!

The trumpets began to sound, jarring her wandering mind back to reality and indicating that it was time for Queen Elizabeth II to officially knight him. She lifted her diamond-studded gold sword and gently brushed the edge against each of his shoulders as he remained on his knee before Her Highness.

Thunderous applause shook the chamber. He had knelt before her as Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, but now he stood up as Sir Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram.

The Brown Knight bowed in deference to her, but as he leaned forward, he whispered an inviting private message to Queen Elizabeth with a seductive wink: “Your Majesty, the sun never sets on my Indian empire.”

In that moment, her body swelled as she knew she would offer herself to him on this charming evening of boundless pleasure…

 

Please enter your email to “FOLLOW” this site for new updates. Also follow Dr Pablo Pistola [the author] on Twitter [@drpablopistola]. You can read more about his training and his credentials at the following link: https://51shadesofbrown.wordpress.com/about/

I would like to also extend a special thanks to my family member (who wishes to remain anonymous) from Harlton, England who served as an honorary consultant for this excerpt (as well as excerpt #23, which features another Englishwoman who was a love interest of my protagonist)!

So my post is a little later than usual, but it’s still #SexyTime Friday! Please FOLLOW this site by entering your email address all the way at the bottom of this page, and follow Dr Pablo Pistola on Twitter (@drpablopistola)! One other update: Justin Bieber and I are actually patching things up after our little spat from a couple of weeks ago (see the prior posts below)! By now, you all realize that the Brown Knight is an international man of mystery. It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright; he makes moves with coconut oil in mysterious ways…

Justin Bieber and I are getting acquainted with each other now after burying the hatchet from our earlier dispute.

51 Shades of Brown, (BONUS) Excerpt #30 [Chapter 122] 

Pressure.

This was the first time she had ever experienced pressure in this realm, which had been her passion even in her most-distant, fading memories.

A sense of urgency overwhelmed Amelie Blanchefleur Channelle Veronique Le-Roux-Mignon Cordon-Bleu-Croissant.

Le Académie Française D’échecs [The French Chess Academy] had fostered her rise as a celebrity chess prodigy, beloved in her homeland not only for her genius, but also for her voluptuous physique.

But this was a bizarre reversal of roles.

Chess champions from across France had gathered in front of this buzzing auditorium crowd to simultaneously challenge renowned chess master Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram.

He was the global icon.

Amelie Blanchefleur Channelle Veronique Le-Roux-Mignon Cordon-Bleu-Croissant could sense that her confidence was wavering. But she also knew that she needed to cultivate humility. Sometimes, the student becomes the teacher, but then becomes the student yet again. She had to learn from him.

The Brown Knight briskly paced along the inside of the circular arrangement of tables where his opponents were seated with individual chess boards. As he made his move at each table with his brown chess pieces, he swiftly tapped the chess timer as each of his baffled adversaries grew more flustered by his prowess.

Despite the mental strain of this intellectual sparring, she found her distracted mind wandering as she checked out Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram. She had grown weary of the pungent body odor unique to chain-smoking Frenchmen who would routinely court her. In contrast, the Brown Knight secreted a savory aroma of Indian spices, cilantro, and coconut oil as he passed by her table. She found herself drooling.

And hungry.

Hungry for curry.

Hungry for his affection.

Hungry for a soulmate.

Oh, the things she would do to a baguette at this moment!

 

Her thoughts continued to wander.

Can he tell that I want him to take me under his wings? Does his encyclopedic knowledge extend into the kama sutra love-making methodology? Is he just toying with me and biding his time because he likes to continue chess contests without ever achieving a climactic victory? Doe he enjoy tantric chess? Does he notice that I wore a bindi to match my miniskirt and bra to impress him? Does he realize that his magnificent, thick, lustrous mustache, glistening from coconut oil, makes me wonder if my bushy armpit hair would similarly shimmer with the same lubrication?! Oh shit, he’s approaching my table and I haven’t even made my move yet!

Pressure.

She had never felt so alive.

Amelie Blanchefleur Channelle Veronique Le-Roux-Mignon Cordon-Bleu-Croissant hastily made her move with her white bishop, as Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram surveyed her body, the chess board, and his options before swiftly and deliberately making his counter-move.

During the course of this competition, the Brown Knight checkmated his trembling adversaries one by one, dispatching them shamefully back towards the crowd of French spectators. She almost succumbed to her natural French instinct to completely give up and forfeit, and she nearly considered requesting an American chess champion to save her by doing her dirty work.

She felt the urge to bite her own lip to suppress her desires, but she winced as her teeth slipped and nearly ruptured her delicate snow white French skin. He had surreptitiously sprayed her face with his signature coconut oil as he walked by on the last pass!

Was this a sign?! Does he spray objects of his desire with coconut oil? Is this how he marks his territory? Does he want to take me right now?!

It was a miracle she had survived the contest so long in spite of her teeming lust. Yet here she remained, the last rival standing!

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, with a smirk evident under his whiskers, approached her table. As the riveted audience members held their breath, the Brown Knight blew their minds with his masterful victorious maneuver: he picked up his mocha-colored chess piece, dipped the base of the horse-shaped piece in his mustache to coat it with coconut oil, placed it back on the board in its original place, and masterfully flicked the piece to send it gliding in an improbable L-shaped trajectory, thereby knocking over her white queen piece, and cornering her king piece.

Amelie Blanchefleur Channelle Veronique Le-Roux-Mignon Cordon-Bleu-Croissant stared in shock at his knight piece which now straddled her submissive, bent-over queen piece on the chess board.

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram then whispered “Le chevalier à peau mate aura la reine blanche. Échec et mate.” [“The brown knight shall have the white queen. Checkmate.”]

Don’t forget to FOLLOW this site at the very bottom! Scroll down to read all 29 prequel excerpts! And you can read about Dr. Pablo Pistola [@drpablopistola] by clicking the following link: https://51shadesofbrown.wordpress.com/about/

Thanks for all the support from my fans through this ongoing battle with Justin Bieber. I also appreciate the feedback regarding last week’s excerpt, which unveiled the coconut oil lubrication process which had previously been shrouded in mystery. I have been tweeting at some of you individually to update you all, but my readership has grown so much that it’s impossible to keep that up. Please FOLLOW me on twitter (@drpablopistola) for updates regarding new excerpts, and “FOLLOW” this site by scrolling all the way down and entering your email address for notifications. #SexyTime Friday is back, and the Brown Knight’s romance adventures continue. Please use coconut oill responsibly. And always use coconut oil in moderation. Always.

After this site surpassed the 10,000 view mark by my growing number of international fans, I’ve been targeted by Justin Bieber for my portrayal of him in excerpt #27. But the little punk has backed off after I flexed my muscles at him and his band of merry lawyers. Things have thawed out enough that I unblocked Bieber on twitter and he started following me again.

Yes, I heal people on a daily basis, but the true way I save lives is through my Indian romance satire.

Spread the word about http://www.51shadesofbrown.com to everyone you know!!!

51 Shades of Brown, (BONUS) Excerpt #29 [Chapter 117]

Valeska Alexandra Boca Ratón Cordova-de-Sevilla Maria-de-Valeska had never experienced such palpable terror. Moments ago, her rumbling ovaries once again coaxed her into daydreaming about a knight in shining armour who would forcefully clutch her, toss her body over his powerful shoulder, and carry her on horseback to a nearby meadow full of blooming wildflowers coated with fresh morning dew to claim her virginity.

But this daydreaming distracted her from mindfulness of her surroundings. She had been watching this annual tradition in Pamplona, Spain, when an accidental nudge from the crowd of other spectators behind her sent her careening over the guard rail onto the dirt path.

As the dust cloud generated by her fall receded, she noticed several Spanish men, with wispy mustaches befitting of prepubescent teenage boys, frantically running towards her with sheer terror consuming their faces, and with yellowish, brownish moisture soaking the crotch areas on their white uniforms. They sprinted around her, as though she were invisible to their eyes, while she heard several of the so-called men scream “¡Aye, Díos mío!¡Quiero sobrevivir para comer tapas y beber sangria!” [“Oh my God! I want to survive to eat tapas and drink sangria!”]

After their trailing dirt cloud settled, a terrifying image came into focus. Less than 10 meters away from Valeska Alexandra Boca Ratón Cordova-de-Sevilla Maria-de-Valeska stood a giant rabid bull with blood-tinged horns. The beast was poised to charge at the damsel in distress, with its foreleg ominously brushing the road below it.  

Oh, the sorrow of perishing from this Earth without ever having experienced pleasures of the flesh!

 Thoughts raced through her mind. “I need a hero. I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night. He’s gotta be strong and he’s gotta be fast and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight. I need a hero. I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light. He’s gotta be sure and it’s gotta be soon and he’s gotta be larger than life.”

Enter Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram. A hero rises.

He seemingly appeared out of nowhere to stand erect between her and the threatening animal. His valor and bravery rattled the unsuspecting creature. His pristine white outfit and red cloth tied around his neck served a stark contrast to highlight his dark mocha-colored skin coated with the perfect layer of coconut oil under his prominent body hair tufts.

 [To learn about the coconut oil application process, please read excerpt #28 below or through the following link: https://51shadesofbrown.wordpress.com/2015/04/03/what-a-week-if-you-werent-following-me-on-twitter-drpablopistola-justin-bieber-and-his-band-of-expensive-lawyers-werent-pleased-with-my-portrayal-of-him-in-excerpt-27-last-friday-so-they-th/%5D

Valeska Alexandra Boca Ratón Cordova-de-Sevilla Maria-de-Valeska had seen paparazzi photos of this international legend in gossip magazines, but in person his mustache appeared even thicker.  She stared in awe at its impressive girth – the fullness that only an Indian man could offer. Oh, the things she would do with those whiskers! The untold pleasures! His glorious lustrous mustache glistened in the sunlight.

More thoughts flew through her mind. “Would he allow me to stroke it and feel my fingers glide around it with the coconut oil lubrication that dripped from the bottom? Does he want to spend the rest of his life with me? Did I apply the appropriate amount of perfume to my neck this morning? Does he notice that I am undressing him with my eyes?”

Jarring reality interrupted her meandering train of thought when the bull let out a vigorous snort with condensation emanating from its giant nostrils. The peril of the circumstance captured the attention of the thousands of nearby spectators.

This was a masculine standoff between two veritable alpha males.

The tenor of this stalemate, however, shifted when the bull sniffed the air and detected the higher concentration of testosterone pumping through Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram’s blood stream. The animal’s blood-shot eyes then focused on Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram’s obvious massive bulge in his crotch. The bull quickly realized that its testicular size was no match when compared to his adversary’s well-endowed genitalia.

The table had been turned!

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram suddenly belted out a primal scream and charged towards the startled bull, which scurried away in a rapid retreat. She could hear the fading sound of galloping hooves as her savior continued to chase the predator away.

From the mist emerged Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, who briskly walked towards her with an outstretched arm to help her stand and whispered “Yo seré tu caballero de brillante armadura… Tu Caballero Marrón.” [“I will be your knight in shining armour…Your Brown Knight.”]

Valeska Alexandra Boca Ratón Cordova-de-Sevilla Maria-de-Valeska immediately began to mentally map out the most expedient route to the nearest meadow…

Scroll down to read the 28 previous excerpts!

Follow Dr Pablo Pistola [the author] on Twitter [@drpablopistola]. You can read more about his training in romance and seduction at the following link: https://51shadesofbrown.wordpress.com/about/

What a week! If you weren’t following me on Twitter (@drpablopistola), Justin Bieber and his band of expensive lawyers weren’t pleased with my portrayal of him in excerpt #27 last Friday. So they threatened me, yada yada. The little punk even started following me on Twitter before I blocked his scrawny ass. Anyway, I want to thank all of my LOYAL readers who supported me through this mad drama. And as always, please use coconut oil in moderation…

I’ve had 10,000 views, and counting. Spread the word about http://www.51shadesofbrown.com to everyone, including your mother, grandmothers & neighbors!

Can you believe this little punk?! If Bieber wants a fight, I’ll give him one. He picked the wrong dude to threaten…

51 Shades of Brown, (BONUS) Excerpt #28 [Chapter 111]

This would be the story of a lifetime which would put her on track to inevitably earn a Pulitzer Prize for investigative journalism.

Jayalakshmijayasudhajayaprabhajayavantijaya had worked her way up from the newspaper mailroom to the local New Delhi traffic beat.

But she had grown weary of reporting the same information daily about the horrifying traffic congestion in the great nation of India. She had always dreamed of more. So much more.

But this story, which promised to uncover a mystery that had baffled the entire world, would serve as the springboard for her meteoric rise within the reporting realm.

Everyone had wondered how Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram evenly applied the perfect coating of coconut oil to each square centimeter of his skin and each body hair follicle. Everyone.

And Jayalakshmijayasudhajayaprabhajayavantijaya had been hand-picked by the Brown Knight to let the world behind the curtain of his lubrication process. He had noticed her ground-breaking report that there was traffic in New Delhi during the previous week. He surprisingly reached out to her via telephone to compliment her on her seductive profile photo in the newspaper. She was the chosen one.

She arrived at his isolated summertime residence promptly at 8:00 AM per his instructions. The Brown Knight’s only condition of her exclusive access was that she wore a masquerade mask, which the butler handed to her at the compound entryway.

She put the mask on, looked at herself in the foyer mirror, tossed her hair, threaded her eyebrows, applied cosmetics, ironed her clothes, asked the butler if her outfit made her look fat, changed her mind about which outfit to wear three times, asked the butler again if her outfit made her look fat, and then finally she was ready to follow the butler to the bathing compound on the north wing of the massive lair.

After entering through the large wooden door, she was struck by the compound’s sultry ambience. It took several moments for her eyes to adjust to the dark after entering the cavernous circular chamber. Morning sunbeams gushed into the room from the central skylight, while fire torches mounted on the walls offered the only other light source from the periphery.

As the room came into focus, Jayalakshmijayasudhajayaprabhajayavantijaya noted the Turkish bath motif, with a central marble platform. This would likely serve as his stage. Where she would finally see with her own prying eyes how he obtains his perfect coconut oil sheen. The moment of truth was upon her.

As she had been previously instructed, she sat in the moist gold-plated throne facing the central marble platform.

Suddenly, female voices loudly chanted, which echoed through the chamber and reverberated in all directions. Her head started to spin from disorientation caused by the overwhelming auditory stimulation. Jayalakshmijayasudhajayaprabhajayavantijaya tried to focus on her notebook and pen which she had been using to scribble notes. But the chanting was hypnotic. It methodically relaxed her mind, and she could feel her “good little Indian girl” inhibitions melting away one by one.

Soon the volume of the voices grew louder. She noticed shadows on the far opposite end of the room as four silhouettes split into two pairs walking around the periphery of the room. As the pairs rounded the side of the central platform and slowly walked up the steps to the sunlit platform, the four semi-nude maidens with immaculate physique came into view. Each of the women wore the same masquerade mask as hers. The pairs of women faced each other leaving a central gap between them, all the while continuing to chant in unison.

What a titillating scene!

Then, the chanting stopped.

Silence.

Enter Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram. A hero rises.

The shadow of the Brown Knight traveled a direct path from the portal on the far opposite end to the central marble platform. He slowly climbed the marble steps onto the platform and stood facing her in between the four maiden who were positioned around him. As he came into view, she only then noticed that he wore a dark brown cloak. Was he a member of the Illuminati?!

At the center of the platform was a large glass vessel filled to the brim with coconut oil. How would he apply the lubricant? What would happen next?!

Jayalakshmijayasudhajayaprabhajayavantijaya furiously wrote down every detail as quickly as she could despite the distraction of the sensual proceedings unfolding before her own eyes.

Then, Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram peeled off his cloak, which cascaded downward towards his feet, and revealed his nude, hairy body. The sunlight from above bathed his body and highlighted his full, throbbing arousal!

Jayalakshmijayasudhajayaprabhajayavantijaya began to wonder whether or not the condensation on her golden chair was the source of her rapidly moistening clothing.

She sat there thunderstruck, watching this international man of mystery. What a privilege she had been granted. She wanted to pay him back for exposing himself to her, and she decided at this moment that she would insist on doing so after the proceedings.

Then, as a gentle tabla drum beat resonated through the chamber, the four maidens stepped closer towards the Brown Knight, who now held the glistening coconut oil vessel with both hands at the level of his chest. Without a word, the four women kneeled in front of the hero.

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram said “Now, m’ladies…..blow.”

And upon his command, the four kneeling women began to blow with vigor, heads bobbing up and down and up and down and up and down.

Oh, the voyeuristic delight of witnessing this steamy routine!

Oh, the wonder of this erotic spectacle!

Jayalakshmijayasudhajayaprabhajayavantijaya had never witnessed women blowing with such enthusiasm and intensity, so much so that their spit dribbled from their mouths. She could watch this forever.

As the four scantily-clad maidens continued to blow air centrally by strenuously exhaling, the Brown Knight lifted the coconut oil vessel above his head and poured the contents downward towards the center of their location.

Jayalakshmijayasudhajayaprabhajayavantijaya had been expecting the coconut oil to splatter on the marble below, but NO! She couldn’t believe her own eyes! The women were blowing so hard that the air current they created suspended the coconut oil in mid-air, as floating droplets shimmered from the penetrating sunlight. They had generated the perfect coconut oil mist.

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, still maintaining his maximal arousal, then walked forward with outstretched arms into the central air column of coconut oil and slowly spun around clockwise, then counterclockwise, then clockwise again. The coconut oil droplets coated every part of his hairy body, including his head, his magnificent lustrous bushy mustache, and his five appendages.

Of course! This is how he obtains the perfect coconut oil application!

And he did all of this with a devilish grin plastered on his face, and with his piercing eyes fixed on Jayalakshmijayasudhajayaprabhajayavantijaya when he looked in her direction.

After his body perfectly glistened, the women stopped blowing and proclaimed in synchrony “The Brown Knight’s body has been lubricated!”

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram walked towards Jayalakshmijayasudhajayaprabhajayavantijaya, maintaining the perfect balance of a cat despite the slippery floor which had already caused two of the kneeling maidens to spectacularly slip on the marble platform. Finally, he arrived in front of her, and just stood before her.

She wondered if he would ask her to blow too! How could she resist?! She prayed that he would extend this invitation as she sat in front of him, completely enamored with his mysterious ways.

He then whispered to her “Don’t hate the player. Hate the coconut oil…”

Please “FOLLOW” at the very bottom of this page, share http://www.51shadesofbrown.com on Twitter/Facebook etc, and follow Dr Pablo Pistola on Twitter (@drpablopistola). You can read about his inspiring life story at the following link:

https://51shadesofbrown.wordpress.com/about/

Scroll down to read the previously-released 27 other excerpts. It’s light reading. Bathroom reading material. You’re welcome.

It’s Friday night. And the mood is right. #SexyTime. First, I’d like to thank all of you for spreading the word about WWW.51SHADESOFBROWN.COM to everyone. This week marked the 10,000th view. Coconut oil is spreading, y’all. It’s a world-wide phenomenon. As always, use coconut oil in moderation

Please spread the word about http://www.51shadesofbrown.com via Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, text, email, and carrier pigeon.

Let’s take a moment to appreciate that my writing has offered a respite to readers in war-torn nations (e.g. 5 views in Iraq). You’re welcome, world.

Don’t hate the player. Hate the coconut oil.

People have asked how to pronounce the Brown Knight’s name. It’s simple: Shree-Shay-Shaw-Thuh-Ree-Pruh-Thee-VAH-Thee-Bye-Yun-Kuh-Rum.  See? It’s super-easy.

51 Shades of Brown, (BONUS) Excerpt #27 [Chapter 107]

The bullet train smoothly navigated every hairpin curve as it weaved through the Bavarian Alps at a blazing speed of well over 350 kilometers per hour.  The German Transit Authority (GTA), in an effort to gain publicity for this ritzy, exclusive new railway system, invited the most sought-after foreign dignitaries and celebrities in the world to serve as honorary passengers on its inaugural day of service.

Ambassadors, dictators, and even Justin Bieber were on board. But the dining cabin compartment became smothered in silence when Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram entered. All eyes were on the Brown Knight.

Ludwiga Edeltraud Hildegard Wilhemina Merkel-Applestrudel, the voluptuous German train attendant, had received years of training to emerge as the GTA’s ace-in-the-hole for impressing VIP’s. She had been hand-picked during her days as the nation’s most sultry lingerie model because of her German precision when pouring tea. Today would be the culmination when she could showcase her ability to meet the impeccable German expectations of pouring the perfect cup.

She had seen paparazzi photographs of the Brown Knight in German gossip magazines. But nothing could prepare her for his trailing wafts of intense mouth-watering aromas which marinated the cabin interior. She could almost taste the curry and coconut oil. Her hunger grew intense. She drooled.

As she approached where he sat, she couldn’t help noticing how well-endowed Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram was.

The sheer size of his mustache was awe-inspiring.

 

She had heard rumors about how large his legendary mustache could grow, but it appeared even bigger in person. She now thought back to her conversation just moments earlier in the adjacent train car. While she straightened out the wrinkles in her extra short lederhosen uniform, her female colleague muttered “I’m sure you know what they say about men with big mustaches…” under her breath to Ludwiga Edeltraud Hildegard Wilhemina Merkel-Applestrudel.

What could that comment have meant? Do men with big mustaches have greater strength since their faces are less aerodynamic? Do men with big mustaches offer hyper-stimulating massages by utilizing their upper lip hair? Do men with big mustaches give more flavorful kisses due to the retained food debris stuck within their whiskers?

Her distracted mind abruptly snapped back to the pivotal task at hand when Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram softly said “I’ll have the Indian spiced chai tea.”

She had a job to perform. She had been chosen by Germany to be the chaiwalla for the most respected, aromatic man on the entire planet. And she would do his bidding. If he wanted it nice and easy, she would pour it gradually. If he desired for it to be hard, she would pour it with great force. All she knew was that she was going to pour the hell out of that chai from the kettle for her Brown Knight.

Yet despite all the chai pouring exercises during rigorous practice sessions at the GTA training facility, she clumsily fumbled the kettle handle, nearly spilling the scalding hot contents over the lap of her hero. His intense, deep stare had thwarted her equilibrium and concentration.

“Focus” she whispered to herself.

She then inhaled deeply and poured the chai into his cup.

Panic suddenly overwhelmed Ludwiga Edeltraud Hildegard Wilhemina Merkel-Applestrudel. Thoughts raced through her mind. “I poured the chai in 4.82 seconds, almost 0.47 seconds faster than I had been trained to do by the German authorities. Would he notice my grievous error? How will I look my fellow Germans in the eyes again after this brazen act of imprecision? Is there a reason to go on living?!”

“One cube of sugar…..and one drop of coconut oil” whispered Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram.

She dutifully added the requested ingredients into the steaming tea cup. As she stirred the contents, the inspired foreign leaders witnessing this monumental event could hear her spoon clink against the inside of the cup. All eyes were on this spectacle.

She extended her arms towards him, offering not only the piping-hot caffeinated beverage, but also the bounty of her sultry body.

He accepted.

As he sipped the chai, the onlookers held their breath. Would he approve? Would the chai hold up to his high standards? Would the aphrodisiac properties of the coconut oil drop further augment his unparalleled virility?

Slowly, the corners of his lips turned upwards.  His smile disarmed her tension caused by her embarrassing 0.47 second mistake. His thick, massive mustache, glistening from the coconut oil coating applied earlier that day, had collected chai droplets which he now seductively licked with his protruding tongue.

More thoughts consumed her. “Is he sending me a signal? Does he want me? Does he desire to make sweet, sweet love to me? Does he want to spend the rest of his life with me? Does he want me to bear his children?”

At this moment, the Brown Knight gave a subtle nod to his butler who stood across on the other side of the dining cabin. His servant followed his signal and suddenly pulled the train’s emergency stop lever.

Then…Chaos. Horrifying chaos. Fine china smashed into a million pieces. Women, including Justin Bieber, screamed. Passengers fell like dominos.

When Ludwiga Edeltraud Hildegard Wilhemina Merkel-Applestrudel opened her eyes after stumbling forward, her face was planted on the lap of Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, who had calmly sat still as the bullet train had come to a screeching halt. He leaned downward towards her and said “Madame Chaiwalla, your lips are dry.” He took his erect pointer finger, buried it deep within the underbelly of his mustache, and the appendage emerged shimmering with coconut oil, which he gently applied to her lips in several sensual revolutions.

Despite the serious injuries sustained by the other passengers during the unexpected train stoppage, every single onlooker, including Justin Bieber who was rapidly fading due to hemorrhagic shock, erupted with thunderous applause in jubilant appreciation of the Brown Knight’s suave, albeit Machiavellian, courting methodology.

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram then whispered to Ludwiga Edeltraud Hildegard Wilhemina Merkel-Applestrudel “Ich will meine bratwurst in deinen warmen apfelstrudel reinstecken.” [“I will be the bratwurst in your warm apple strudel.”]…

You can read about Dr Pablo Pistola (the author) here: https://51shadesofbrown.wordpress.com/about/

It’s #SexyTime Friday again, and I’m happy to get your weekend kick-started with a new Indian romance satire excerpt, my devoted followers. Please FOLLOW at the very bottom to receive alerts about new updates, and tell absolutely everyone you know about WWW.51SHADESOFBROWN.COM, including your grandmother. Definitely tell grandma. She needs the excitement. And as always, please use coconut oil in moderation…

Don’t hate the player. Hate the coconut oil.

51 Shades of Brown, (BONUS) Excerpt #26 [Chapter 104]

Panchaliayushmatibaijayanthirangana entered into a zen state. Every muscle fiber of her body had relaxed. The tension of needing to prepare the next 782-step South Indian meal in her kitchen receded from her mind.

She had been sent out to purchase new dhoti pants for her father-in-law, as well as green beans and garam masala, ingredients for her recipe she would follow in attempt to please, in vain as usual, her electrical engineer husband.

Yet here she was, in a trance, feeling the touch of a man for the first time ever. How did she end up here, receiving an intimate massage from Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram?

His powerful fingers roamed every contour of her shoulder, evoking goosebumps all over. The piloerection throughout her body overwhelmed her. Aromatic incense wisps seductively enveloped her body and mercilessly penetrated her nostrils over and over and over.

“I aim to please.” whispered the Brown Knight into her ear, as he dripped warm coconut oil on her neck. The trickling substance raced down her spine, causing her to shudder in ecstasy. He soothed her shiver by muttering “Relax, Panchaliayushmatibaijayanthirangana…Relax…”

She dutifully followed his instructions and closed her eyes. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram’s palms caressed her upper back in such a way that she clenched her fists and teeth in fear about where his probing hands would ultimately explore.  

Thoughts raced through her mind. Would his hands stop there? Would they travel down to her lower back…and beyond? Would she let him have his way with her?

The Brown Knight abruptly picked up his steel vessel and poured copious amounts of the warm coconut oil onto the top of her scalp. The lubricant saturated her hair and spread across her head like a tidal wave, while he massaged her scalp with rapid slapping motions of his rigid outstretched fingers.

Panchaliayushmatibaijayanthirangana’s trance deepened.

Her mind was saying “This is so wrong” while her body was telling her “This is SO right”

To hell with maintaining good little Indian girl image! She had fit that mold her entire life; now, for once, she craved to listen to her body.

Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram then heightened her state of euphoria by dribbling chicken tikka masala gravy over her scalp. The liquid gushed everywhere. The aroma of the curry added an additional sensory layer to this unforgettable pleasure.

But she was ill-prepared for his next maneuver: Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram buried his face into the nape of her neck and rapidly swiveled his head laterally to-and-fro, thereby employing his bushy mustache like a rotating automatic car wash brush, pressing the greasy lather of coconut oil and curry penetratingly deep into her skin pores. His warm breath of intoxicating cilantro & turmeric crop-dusted her scalp and neck as he moved his rotating whiskers around the area.

“Does he love me? Is this what love feels like? Would he slide over here? Would he give me a moment? Oh, his moves are so raw! I’ve got to let him know…!”

“Hey oruth, bus bohuth ho gaya! Thumarre panch minute katham hooway! Abh meri wari heh!” [“Hey lady, that’s enough time! You’ve already had your five minutes! Now it’s my turn!”] anxiously screamed the next woman in line.

Panchaliayushmatibaijayanthirangana emerged from her sensual stupor, opening her eyes to notice the growing cue with hundreds of desperate women snaking around the central court of the shopping mall where she sat. While she peeled herself off the massage chair where she had tantalizingly approached near-climax, she longingly focused on the sign emblazoned with the inscription “5 Minute Masaj: 10 Rupees. Curious?” near the Brown Knight, her savior. At that moment, she knew that her only hope of replicating such bliss would be to demonstrate patience by waiting for her fourth time in line with all of the other moaning aunty-ji’s…

You can follow the award-winning author Dr Pablo Pistola on Twitter at @drpablopistola and read more about him here: https://51shadesofbrown.wordpress.com/about/

Dr Pablo Pistola’s satirical Indian romance writing has the above effect on female readers.