Great news! Add Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard, Yale, Princeton & Stanford to the growing list of universities that have added my writing at http://www.51shadesofbrown.com to the curriculum this upcoming falls semester! Critics are calling work a “literary treasure which will be puzzled over for generations to come”
Did you know that Dr. Pablo Pistola [the author] also writes medical satire as a contributing author at Gomerblog?! Click on the following link to read his collection of healthcare-related comedy: http://www.gomerblog.com/author/drpablopistola/
Click on “FOLLOW” all the way at the bottom of this screen, follow Dr. Pablo Pistola on Twitter (@drpablopistola), and spread the word about the Indian romance satire at http://www.51shadesofbrown.com via Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and Tinder. Just do it.
Now, on to the latest excerpt…
51 Shades of Brown, (BONUS) Excerpt #39 [Chapter 151]
It was go-time.
The lights in the room dimmed, plunging the scene into darkness. A voice bellowed the ominous notification “We are live in 5…4…3…2…1…”
Suddenly a spotlight bathed her in blinding illumination, and the roaring applause from the live studio audience reached a feverish crescendo.
She offered the cameras a beaming smile and launched into her customary introduction: “It’s Friday night, and the mood is right! I’m Aashrithaaashiyaniaashalata, and I’m the host of ‘Love Guru’ – the chance for you to have your sexy-time questions answered by the one and only Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram!!!”
Another spotlight turned on to reveal the Brown Knight seated in an adjacent chair. The female crowd erupted in a frenzy reminiscent of the fervor of teenage Beatles fans in the 1960s.
The buzz engulfing this internationally broadcasted live event would have rattled many people within the entertainment industry. But Aashrithaaashiyaniaashalata was a seasoned veteran. She had hosted so many television programs on Zee TV before, including an American Idol-style singing competition, an American Idol-style dancing competition, and an American Idol-style singing and dancing competition.
She had done it all.
However, she was coming to terms that she had not yet done the Brown Knight. She had tried to suppress embarrassment about her obvious crush on the world-famous Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram. After all, who didn’t want a piece of this divine Indian man?!
Despite her best efforts to hide her lust, a simple grin from under his thick, bushy signature mustache right before the cameras turned on melted her heart and moistened her body. She knew she needed him tonight. But she shook off her carnal desires, like a professional woman, and carried on with her task at hand.
“Well, ladies and gentlemen, let’s get right to your calls!” She tightened her unyielding sensual grip on her microphone and continued “Our first caller is Anchalaavniangoorianaamika! You are on with the Love Guru! Please, what is on your mind?”
The overhead speaker system in the studio activated with a brief unexpected screech from feedback. Then silence.
“Anchalaavniangoorianaamika you are on the air! Your question?” repeated Aashrithaaashiyaniaashalata.
Suddenly a confused, panicked voice with a thick Indian accent blasted from the speakers “Hello? Hello? HELLO?!”
“Yes, your question for the Brown Knight?”
“Uhh….yes, Mr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, I have been experiencing…dryness. It causes me such profound anxiety, I don’t know what to do. HELLO?! HELLO?! I was wondering how you would suggest I solve this matter? HELLO?! Please help. You’re my only hope. HELLO?!”
The Brown Knight nodded in response to the query and offered “Coconut oil. Keep calm and apply coconut oil.”
The women in the audience enthusiastically clapped in response to his brilliant solution.
Aashrithaaashiyaniaashalata moved on. “Nilanjananividethjagadheeswarirehanapreeti! You are on the air with the Love Guru. What is your sexy time question?”
The next caller timidly replied “Um, yes. Hello. My computer engineer husband never seems to be interested in unwrapping my sari. My ovaries are rumbling, and my childbearing years are rapidly passing by. How would you suggest that I get him to notice me more?”
An intense expression became plastered across Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram’s face. He leaned forward with confidence and said “Nilanjananividethajagadheeswarirehanapreeti, are you anywhere near a coconut oil jar right now?”
“Actually, yes, there’s one on the shelf right next to me.”
“Here’s what I want you to do. And do exactly what I say. Open the jar right now. Dip your pointer and middle fingers of your non-dominant hand into it. Feel your fingers glide into it. Then pull your fingers out. Then plunge them back in. Keep guiding your fingers in and out, in and out, in and out. Over and over and over.”
The riveted audience remained enraptured by this genius sex symbol, as the caller’s heavy breathing and subtle moans were audible for all to vicariously experience.
The Brown Knight continued “Are you doing what I’m telling you to do?”
“Yes” groaned Nilanjananividethjagadheeswarirehanapreeti.
“How does it feel?”
“It feels……so…so good.”
“I know it does, Nilanjananividethajagadheeswarirehanapreeti. I know. Now I want you to insert your ring finger as well.”
“Thr….Three fingers?! I – I – I’m not sure I can fit in three fingers.”
“You have to let yourself go and trust me, sweet thang.”
“Okay…I’m trying three fingers. They’re — OHMYGOD!……They’re gliding right in…..” Said Nilanjananividethajagadheeswarirehanapreeti, as her voice trailed off to heavy panting.
The Brown Knight knowingly smiled, and continued “Now pull out your fingers and apply copious amounts of coconut oil to every inch of your body.”
“Everywhere…I want you to apply it to your face, to your neck, to that little exposed area on your flank below your sari blouse, even to your hair…”
“Okay, I’m doing it. It…It feels so good. My whole body feels so lubricated.”
“Now, Nilanjananividethajagadheeswarirehanapreeti, take your husband’s work notes and leave a trail of papers with computer coding on the floor leading to your bed. Lay down on the bed in a seductive position, and your engineer husband will be there on you in no time at all.”
The crowd of spectators cheered loudly in appreciation of the Brown Knight sharing his sage advice with the world.
Meanwhile, Aashrithaaashiyaniaashalata sat next to her guest star speechless. She simply could not fathom his boundless knowledge. She wanted him so badly. She was so tantalizingly close to him, within sniffing range of his aroma of curry, but felt like she was so far away because she couldn’t reach out and caress his mocha-colored skin which had been perfectly coated with coconut oil. She had reached her breaking point. She needed to know right now if he would reciprocate her tender affection. She needed to take control of the situation at this very moment, live international audience be damned!
Aashrithaaashiyaniaashalata stammered for a moment and then suddenly improvised, ignoring her executive producer who, via her radio earpiece, was urging her to move on to the next caller. “Um….Well… We have an unusual request for you…. We…We have our next question sent via text message!”
The audience gasped at this deviation from the usual program protocol, but she casually pulled out her own mobile phone and feigned reading a question on the screen, “The next question is from an anonymous fan of yours. She asks ‘Mr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, I am the host of an internationally televised program, and I have never felt the tender touch of a man before in my life. I want you to be my first. I want you to teach me everything. I’m willing to give you my innocence if you are willing to have your way with me. What should I do to know if you are interested in my sultry proposal?’”
Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram revealed a devilish grin under his lustrous mustache and replied “I would suggest that you should meet me in my dressing room backstage so that I can show you the time of your life.”
Aashrithaaashiyaniaashalata immediately threw down her microphone and sprinted off stage with the intensity of somebody who was barely suppressing explosive diarrhea, all in front of the stunned viewership.
The Brown Knight, still smirking, stood up and began to unhook the microphone affixed to his neck tie, but then paused, turned towards the cameras and crowd, and whispered “Why don’t I just leave this microphone on so that you all can hear how it’s done.” He left the live microphone in place, and then methodically walked off stage towards his private dressing room, where the moaning Aashrithaaashiyaniaashalata awaited her savior.
The in-studio crowd erupted in unbridled bliss, offering the Brown Knight a thunderous standing ovation befitting of his immense, yet still growing, legend…
Scroll down to read all 38 archived excerpts! Spread the word, and read about the author [@drpablopistola] by clicking on the following link: https://51shadesofbrown.wordpress.com/about/
I would like to take this opportunity to thank my dear family member who inspired this particular excerpt. He not only his a heartthrob, but he’s also a smart lad, having just wrapped up his freshman year at the University of Maryland with flying colors. We’re proud of him, but we’re most proud of his contributions to http://www.51.shadesofbrown.com! And ladies: he’s single, and wildly-available!