Yes, I knew that once this site became popular, alas, I would be hunted. After excerpt #27, Bieber came after me. Two weeks ago after I released excerpt #31, the British authorities attacked me. And just this past week, the Secret Service had the audacity to call my *PERSONAL* cell phone to pressure me to delete excerpt #32. For the first time ever, though, I preemptively received threats from the most powerful woman on the planet because of tonight’s excerpt. But I stood tall. This is my gift to you.
Did you know that DEEZ coconuts are the world’s most potent aphrodisiac?!
But, as always….please, PLEASE use coconut oil in moderation…
51 Shades of Brown, (BONUS) Excerpt #33 [Chapter 130]
Watching him simply sit in a chair sparked a fire in her loins. The way he crossed his legs, uncrossed them, and then crossed them again. She found herself analyzing every ripple and contour of his pants. It was too much.
In the past, the guests on her program had included international leaders and celebrities, but nobody compared to her current specimen. Nobody. This was the most prestigious interview she had ever secured. A ravenous live-studio audience and international broadcast viewership anticipated this very moment.
Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, fresh off a recent visit to the White House on his whirlwind tour of the United States of America, had agreed to sit down with her to quench the world’s thirst for more secrets about his mystique.
When the producer indicated that the program was about to go live, she couldn’t help but feel unprofessional in the moment. Never in her illustrious career had she ever lusted over an interview subject — until now. At the moment the cameras began to record, she was undressing him with her eyes.
As she introduced the Brown Knight to her galvanized audience, the Brown Knight began to ask her questions.
“Do you feel as comfortable in your skin as you appear to me?” asked Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram.
His incisive question caught her off-guard but cut right to the heart of her essence. Thoughts raced through her mind. Was she truly happy? Did he realize that it has taken years for me to embrace my femininity after battling weight problems? Is he checking me out right now?
“Yes…Somehow you make me feel so….so…confident” responded Oprah Winfrey.
“Do you feel….satisfied… in your current station?” inquired the Brown Knight.
Oprah stammered in response to this brilliant question. How the hell does he know that I haven’t been touched down there in years? Was he asking if Stedman had been satisfying my needs as a woman?
Yes, Stedman has a decent mustache, but could I ever look at his mustache the same after seeing the enormous girth of Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram’s whiskers? The Brown Knight’s mustache was so much more thicker….and…fuller…..I’ve been begging Stedman for years to lubricate his mustache with coconut oil, only to have my requests rebuked! My goodness, how I want to let my fingers glide through the coconut-oil soaked mustache of an Indian man!
How can the Brown Knight so easily ascertain my frailties in an instant and manipulate them to his advantage?! How can the interviewer so quickly become the interviewee?!!
“Yes….I’m satis—I mean, no…..well…” stuttered Oprah.
She paused. Oprah interpreted this inquiry as a gesture of his interest in her body. She felt as though her female organs could be finally uncaged after so many years. Oprah’s euphoria consumed her. Does he love me?! Does he want to make brown babies with me?! Will he show me the way?!!
Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, sensing the distracted host’s wandering mind, leaned forward towards Oprah Winfrey and asked “Why don’t you tell the female audience about my gift for them?”
Oprah followed his command, stood up, and yelled at her devoted followers “Y’all, look under your seats! See that jar under your seats?! You get coconut oil! *YOU* get coconut oil!!! EVERYBODY GETS COCONUT OIL!!!”
The sexually deprived-audience erupted in unbridled bliss.
Oprah continued “And…. at our administrative office down the hall, each of you ladies can get your voucher for an UNLIMITED LIFETIME SUPPLY OF COCONUT OOOOOOOOOOILLLLLLLLLL!!!!”
The soccer moms sprung up from their seats and immediately began to stampede towards the office to redeem their vouchers in a tidal wave of estrogen.
As the slowest housewife exited the studio, Oprah Winfrey realized that only two warm bodies remained in the cavernous chamber. And her hope that the Brown Knight would capitalize on this opportunity appeared to come true, as Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram walked towards her on the stage and whispered “Are you down with the brown?”
Oprah’s heart melted…
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