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Don’t hate the player. Hate the coconut oil.
People have asked how to pronounce the Brown Knight’s name. It’s simple: Shree-Shay-Shaw-Thuh-Ree-Pruh-Thee-VAH-Thee-Bye-Yun-Kuh-Rum. See? It’s super-easy.
51 Shades of Brown, (BONUS) Excerpt #27 [Chapter 107]
The bullet train smoothly navigated every hairpin curve as it weaved through the Bavarian Alps at a blazing speed of well over 350 kilometers per hour. The German Transit Authority (GTA), in an effort to gain publicity for this ritzy, exclusive new railway system, invited the most sought-after foreign dignitaries and celebrities in the world to serve as honorary passengers on its inaugural day of service.
Ambassadors, dictators, and even Justin Bieber were on board. But the dining cabin compartment became smothered in silence when Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram entered. All eyes were on the Brown Knight.
Ludwiga Edeltraud Hildegard Wilhemina Merkel-Applestrudel, the voluptuous German train attendant, had received years of training to emerge as the GTA’s ace-in-the-hole for impressing VIP’s. She had been hand-picked during her days as the nation’s most sultry lingerie model because of her German precision when pouring tea. Today would be the culmination when she could showcase her ability to meet the impeccable German expectations of pouring the perfect cup.
She had seen paparazzi photographs of the Brown Knight in German gossip magazines. But nothing could prepare her for his trailing wafts of intense mouth-watering aromas which marinated the cabin interior. She could almost taste the curry and coconut oil. Her hunger grew intense. She drooled.
As she approached where he sat, she couldn’t help noticing how well-endowed Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram was.
The sheer size of his mustache was awe-inspiring.
She had heard rumors about how large his legendary mustache could grow, but it appeared even bigger in person. She now thought back to her conversation just moments earlier in the adjacent train car. While she straightened out the wrinkles in her extra short lederhosen uniform, her female colleague muttered “I’m sure you know what they say about men with big mustaches…” under her breath to Ludwiga Edeltraud Hildegard Wilhemina Merkel-Applestrudel.
What could that comment have meant? Do men with big mustaches have greater strength since their faces are less aerodynamic? Do men with big mustaches offer hyper-stimulating massages by utilizing their upper lip hair? Do men with big mustaches give more flavorful kisses due to the retained food debris stuck within their whiskers?
Her distracted mind abruptly snapped back to the pivotal task at hand when Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram softly said “I’ll have the Indian spiced chai tea.”
She had a job to perform. She had been chosen by Germany to be the chaiwalla for the most respected, aromatic man on the entire planet. And she would do his bidding. If he wanted it nice and easy, she would pour it gradually. If he desired for it to be hard, she would pour it with great force. All she knew was that she was going to pour the hell out of that chai from the kettle for her Brown Knight.
Yet despite all the chai pouring exercises during rigorous practice sessions at the GTA training facility, she clumsily fumbled the kettle handle, nearly spilling the scalding hot contents over the lap of her hero. His intense, deep stare had thwarted her equilibrium and concentration.
“Focus” she whispered to herself.
She then inhaled deeply and poured the chai into his cup.
Panic suddenly overwhelmed Ludwiga Edeltraud Hildegard Wilhemina Merkel-Applestrudel. Thoughts raced through her mind. “I poured the chai in 4.82 seconds, almost 0.47 seconds faster than I had been trained to do by the German authorities. Would he notice my grievous error? How will I look my fellow Germans in the eyes again after this brazen act of imprecision? Is there a reason to go on living?!”
“One cube of sugar…..and one drop of coconut oil” whispered Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram.
She dutifully added the requested ingredients into the steaming tea cup. As she stirred the contents, the inspired foreign leaders witnessing this monumental event could hear her spoon clink against the inside of the cup. All eyes were on this spectacle.
She extended her arms towards him, offering not only the piping-hot caffeinated beverage, but also the bounty of her sultry body.
As he sipped the chai, the onlookers held their breath. Would he approve? Would the chai hold up to his high standards? Would the aphrodisiac properties of the coconut oil drop further augment his unparalleled virility?
Slowly, the corners of his lips turned upwards. His smile disarmed her tension caused by her embarrassing 0.47 second mistake. His thick, massive mustache, glistening from the coconut oil coating applied earlier that day, had collected chai droplets which he now seductively licked with his protruding tongue.
More thoughts consumed her. “Is he sending me a signal? Does he want me? Does he desire to make sweet, sweet love to me? Does he want to spend the rest of his life with me? Does he want me to bear his children?”
At this moment, the Brown Knight gave a subtle nod to his butler who stood across on the other side of the dining cabin. His servant followed his signal and suddenly pulled the train’s emergency stop lever.
Then…Chaos. Horrifying chaos. Fine china smashed into a million pieces. Women, including Justin Bieber, screamed. Passengers fell like dominos.
When Ludwiga Edeltraud Hildegard Wilhemina Merkel-Applestrudel opened her eyes after stumbling forward, her face was planted on the lap of Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, who had calmly sat still as the bullet train had come to a screeching halt. He leaned downward towards her and said “Madame Chaiwalla, your lips are dry.” He took his erect pointer finger, buried it deep within the underbelly of his mustache, and the appendage emerged shimmering with coconut oil, which he gently applied to her lips in several sensual revolutions.
Despite the serious injuries sustained by the other passengers during the unexpected train stoppage, every single onlooker, including Justin Bieber who was rapidly fading due to hemorrhagic shock, erupted with thunderous applause in jubilant appreciation of the Brown Knight’s suave, albeit Machiavellian, courting methodology.
Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram then whispered to Ludwiga Edeltraud Hildegard Wilhemina Merkel-Applestrudel “Ich will meine bratwurst in deinen warmen apfelstrudel reinstecken.” [“I will be the bratwurst in your warm apple strudel.”]…
You can read about Dr Pablo Pistola (the author) here: https://51shadesofbrown.wordpress.com/about/