Please spread the word about http://www.51shadesofbrown.com (the website is so easy to remember!)
Sometimes, as an author, I become consumed by my satirical Indian romance writing.
51 Shades of Brown, (BONUS) Excerpt #22 [Chapter 90]
With purpose, Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram revved his automobile engine and navigated through the chaotic Chennai traffic at a top speed of 2 kilometers per hour, inexplicably honking his horn every two seconds, just as every other driver in the great nation of India does while they flagrantly disregard the few toothless traffic laws that may or may not even exist.
The suffocating, warm air flowed through the Brown Knight’s hair as his open convertible top exposed him to adoring swarms of pedestrians who screamed his name as the car slowly whizzed by them. The whipping air squeezed his glorious mustache, wringing out beads of coconut oil which wandered outward across his cheeks to blend in with the lubricant that had been applied to his skin by four maidens earlier. His cooling glasses cloaked the intensity of his deep brown eyes. He tactically swerved to avoid each stray chicken that aimlessly meandered through the street, even reaching his hand out of his convertible to pet the cow which sat in the middle lane of the highway in this bustling metropolis.
Then, suddenly, the engine started to sputter. The convertible slowed down from the rapid speed of 2 kilometers per hour, to 1 kilometer per hour, then to a grinding halt. The Brown Knight turned the key in the ignition, but the engine would not turn. The car was out of petroleum!
Without any hesitation, Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram exited the convertible, and began running in his designer chappal sandals. His speed of a gazelle was a sight to behold, as he was gliding through the Chennai urban landscape, like a jackrabbit defiantly maintaining paces ahead of the trailing pack of hounds. As he encountered innumerable debris blocking his path, he hurdled across them using agile parkour techniques. Soon enough, he darted into the Sri Meenakshi Siva Vishnu Ranganatha Subramaniya Vrundavana Temple.
Manishamanjushamandakinimangalamenaka Robinsonandra thought back to her interview process during her arranged marriage bids, when she sang “Sa Re Ga Ma Pa” musical notes and sat separating dhal lentils on a plate while her suitors surveyed the fairness of her skin. The exhaustive dowry negotiation process, initially thwarted by a resolved dispute over the inclusion of three goats, had finally culminated in this upcoming moment.
But even in the midst of this matrimonial ceremony, she dreamed of Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram.
His dark brown skin.
His magnificent mustache.
His coconut oil-soaked hair.
His copious body hair tufts.
His pungent aroma of cilantro, masala and coconut oil.
His warm breath.
How could she stop thinking about him?!Yes, there are arranged marriages. There are love marriages. But what of lust? Why couldn’t there be a third separate category for lust marriages?! Why, oh WHY?! Alas…
The sea of brown wedding attendees began to chatter as they noticed the bride hesitating on the stage. The priest cleared his throat and implored her to move forward to take the final seventh step of the Saptapadi ritual, which would seal her marriage to the groom standing beside her. She raised her foot in the air and began to reluctantly swing it forward. Then….
There, above, stood the Brown Knight, on the upper level of the Sri Meenakshi Siva Vishnu Ranganatha Subramaniya Vrundavana Temple where he had entered, banging on the window that separated him from the wedding ceremony. The guests gasped at the unexpected intruder.
Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram yelled her melodic name from high above.
Amritambuannapurnaayushmati Robinsonandra, the mother of Manishamanjushamandakinimangalamenaka Robinsonandra, sneered at the Brown Knight’s daring audacity. Just recently Amritambuannapurnaayushmati had herself spent an unforgettable night with Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram, and now he had the gall to court her own daughter?! Her husband angrily said “What’s that guy? What’s he doing?! I’ll take care of him–” as she stopped him from intervening by saying “He’s too late” with a sinister grin plastered on her face.
Meanwhile, Manishamanjushamandakinimangalamenaka slowly walked towards the direction where the Brown Knight was positioned, much to the dismay of the entire wedding party, as her groom-to-be and her parents surrounded her and screamed threatening reprimands.
What should she do? Should she listen to her parents like a good little Indian girl? Or should she do what her body was craving?
She couldn’t control herself anymore.
“SRI-SHESHADARIPRATIVADIBAYANKARAM!!!!!” shrieked Manishamanjushamandakinimangalamenaka.
The Brown Knight took this cue, immediately turned around from the glass partition, and ran down the stairs towards her. At the bottom of the stairwell, the Brown Knight was intercepted by the groom’s father who furiously howled “YOU PUNK! YOU CRAZY PUNK!!!” Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram acrobatically avoided the jilted man by jumping over the rail, but the groom’s father chased him down and desperately clutched him with a tight bear-hug. After regaining his own balance, the Brown Knight suddenly propelled the two bodies backwards, thereby crushing his assailant’s body against the wall behind them.
Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram now advanced towards the groom and used his powerful physique to toss his feeble rival backwards like a rag doll, as he grabbed the hand of Manishamanjushamandakinimangalamenaka and started to run towards the exit.
Amritambuannapurnaayushmati Robinsonandra attempted a last-ditch effort to make her daughter reconsider by hissing “It’s too late!”
Defiantly, Manishamanjushamandakinimangalamenaka turned back towards her mother and replied “Not for me!” The mother erupted in anger, raining down violent slaps upon her uncooperative child.
At the same time, the Brown Knight detached a large Ganesh figurine from the temple wall and wildly swung the idol to ward off the menacing crowd, as Manishamanjushamandakinimangalamenaka opened the temple door. After exiting, Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram deftly used the protruding trunk of the Ganesh figurine to jam shut the wedding hall door of the Sri Meenakshi Siva Vishnu Ranganatha Subramaniya Vrundavana Temple.
Hand in hand, the two lovers ran with beaming smiles towards the street ahead of them, while her wedding saree began to unravel and flow behind her. The Brown Knight banged on the side of a commuter bus that was driving by and commanded it to slow down. This offered Manishamanjushamandakinimangalamenaka and Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram the opportunity to hang off the side of the bus by gripping the windows, as the escape vehicle disappeared at a snail’s pace into the ubiquitous Indian smog…
AND HERE IS THE VIDEO LINK TO THE REENACTMENT OF THIS SCENE BY AMERICAN ACTORS (THE DETAILS OF THIS SCENE WERE MODIFIED SLIGHTLY TO MAKE THE EVENTS AND DIALOG MORE COMPREHENSIBLE TO INDIAN ACTORS):
Finally, please enjoy the following artist renditions of the Brown Knight: